Because I Knew You, I Have Been Changed

Reminder: I've changed the location of my blog to ryansmiley.wordpress.com. This may be the last time I post to this blog address...

Given that today is Thanksgiving, I wanted to share one thing I'm thankful for and that is good people. I take that back. I'm thanksful for awesome, kind, incredibly gracious, giving, and thoughtful people. I'm thankful for the good people God places in my life, whether they're around for years at a time or only a few months or weeks.

And I'm also thankful for forgiveness. While lunching at Jimmy Johns the other day, I read the following quotes which profoundly influence my perspective on friendship and most of all my self-worth:

"I believe that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you once in a while, and you must forgive them for that."

"I believe that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself."

This song from Wicked encapsulates my feelings at this time...



Here are the words in case you want to read along:

(Elphaba) I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda) I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda) Because I knew you

(Both) I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both) Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda) And because I knew you...

(Elphaba) Because I knew you...

(Both) Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

Some Changes...

I'd like to inform readers of this blog that there are some changes taking place.

1) There is now an official blog for the Logansides. I won't put much information up on my blog about the Logansides, so check out the new blog for updates, information, and audio from past firesides. Check it out here.

2) I am converting my blog to WordPress. I think I might like WordPress better. All you Google Bloggers, don't stop reading my blog! I'll officially announce the new blog at a later time if I decide I really do like WordPress better and once I get the layout all figured out.

The Gift

Phillip A. Harrison, author of Clean Hands, Pure Heart: Overcoming Addiction To Pornography Through The Redeeming Power Of Jesus Christ, spoke at the September fireside (his wife, Colleen C. Harrison was sick and sent her husband to speak in her place).

He shared a story titled The Gift. This story helped me place my challenges into a perspective that gives me a little more courage and hope that everything will be alright. The story is found here (and I copied and pasted the text below).


It was a day of excitement, a day of anxiety. It was a day of rejoicing, a day of tears. It was a day of parting, a day of beginning. I waited for one last chance to say goodbye. I knew my turn was next, as James, a fried of mine, was just finishing his interview.
“I just can’t wait to get started. I know it will be great!” James was saying.
“You don’t have any last questions, any concerns?” the interviewer asked.
“No, I just want to get going. I’ve waited long enough for this chance. I’ve read all the manuals. I don’t think anyone could be any more ready than I am.”
“No false modesty here,” said the other, with a smile.
“I don’t think it’s lack of modesty,” James replied. “I like to think of it as just being well-prepared and eager to get started. Anything wrong with that?”
“No. Go on. Have a wonderful experience, James. I’ll be looking forward to your reports.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll send them all right. I know what to do.”
With that, and a parting handshake, James’ interview was over. My turn had come at last.

The interviewer turned to me and said: “Well, the day has finally come, Phillip. Did you think it would ever arrive?”
“You told me it would. And of course, I believed you.”
“Is there anything you want to ask before you go?”
“Oh, so many things. I don’t’ know where to start.”
“What is on your mind in this moment?”
“Well, for one thing, I keep thinking about James. I heard the last little bit of his interview with you. He seems awfully sure of himself. He doesn’t seem worried about this at all.”
“No, he doesn’t. I would feel a little more comfortable if he weren’t so sure of himself.”
“Isn’t he ready? He was always one of the top students.”
“He knows all the answers, all right. But the way he’s feeling now—like he’s got all the answrs he’ll need in the future—that could pose a problem for him. A certain lack of need to stay connected.”
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“Well, that’s okay. James’ journey isn’t what we’re here to talk about. Let’s talk about you and your feelings.”
“Oh, I am full of such mixed feelings. So eager to go, and yet so scared.”
“What scares you?”
“The mists, you know. I am afraid of the mists we heard about. You’ve been there. You know what it’s like. Tell me about it.”
“Well, it’s not the same for everyone. My experience had to be different, you know. But it’s not a cut-and-dried thing. You can overcome it, you know. At least enough to get through.”
“But what if I don’t? What if I can’t remember? I threw my arms around him, and my tears wet his cheek and beard. His arms were there, around my shoulders, like always. So strong, so comforting. I continued, trying to express my fears. “What if I forget you, Jehovah? What if I can’t find my way back to you? What if I don’t find that connection? What if I get so caught up in the world I don’t remember to look for you?”
“Never fear, my precious one. Don’t you think I have thought of this already?”
“But everybody doesn’t worry like I do, do they? James surely didn’t seem to.”
“No, everyone doesn’t. But for those who do, I have prepared a special gift.”
“Will it help me remember? Will it help me find you again?”
“That’s exactly what it is designed to do.”
“Can you tell me how it works?”
“I can tell you a little, but you won’t remember it, of course. But it may give you some comfort right now, so I will tell you what I can. You remember we talked bout weaknesses? And how they are an inevitable part of your mortal experience?”
“Yes, I remember. I guess it sunk in pretty easily—I have so many weaknesses already. Like all this doubt I’m feeling.”
“Well, there are some additional weaknesses I have prepared for you. One special one in particular. It will challenge you sorely, I’m afraid. It will cause you a great deal of distress.”
“Is this what is going to help me?”
“It will help you remember me.”
“Because you gave it to me?”
“You won’t realize I gave it to you at first. At first you will think it is your fault—merely a defect in yourself. But in time you wll realize that it connects you to me.”
“How is that?”
“Because I am the only one who can help you with it. I am the only one who can ease the pain this challenge will present to you.”
“Does it have to be painful?”
“I’m afraid it does. Pain is a great teacher. It is an even greater attention-getter. And that is what people really need—something to get their attention. And because I want you attention, I am giving you this gift, a gift of weakness.”
“But everyone doesn’t get this gift, do they?”
“Everyone gets some version of it. But they don’t all get the gift I am giving you. The gift I have for you is particularly for you, because you have expressed such a desire not to forget me.”
“What is the gift called, Lord?”
“It is called ‘Addiction.’ At least that is what you will call it.”
“And it will help me remember you?”
“As soon as you learn that I am the only cure for it. Will you accept the gift?”
“Yes, I accept the gift, somewhat fearfully, perhaps, but gladly—if it will help me remember and to return to you.”
“It will. I know your heart, and I know this gift will be a bridge between us. It may sound fearsome, but in the end you will see it is glorious. Everything that binds us to each other is glorious, is it not?”
“Yes, Lord, everything.”

One more embrace, and the interview was over. My tears dried, I turned to face my mortal life and the weakness, the gift, that would bring me back to my Lord.

Breathing Life into the Existential Vacuum

In this blog post I don’t write about things I fully understand or grasp, but about information I am currently digesting and synthesizing. I’ve been reading the book Man’s Search for Ultimate Meaning (MSFUM) by Viktor Frankl, and he presents a lot of information that stirs my heart, although I think I’m missing a greater portion of what he has to offer because of all the Latin and complex grammar he uses. Anyway, at this time I can only sense that information he presents is meaningful and important in my quest to find meaning and purpose for my life.

The Existential Vacuum

Throughout this book and throughout its prequel (Man’s Search for Meaning, or MSFM), Frankl frequently discusses the existential vacuum. So far as I understand, the existential vacuum refers to a void and lack of purpose to our individual existence. It is the inability to answer the questions, “What is the meaning of my life? For what purpose am I here?” and, “Why is my life worth living?”

Finding Meaning and Purpose in Life

He argues there are at least two things that will bring meaning into our lives. First, yielding to a person greater (or to another) than your self (be it God or a beloved person such as a boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, child/parent, etc). Purpose of life is discovered herein through the process of “[enabling] the beloved person to actualize these potentialities [that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized] (MSFM, pp. 11-12). Second, one finds purpose by yielding to a cause or purpose greater than his self. Through this process, purpose is discovered in “[listening] to what your conscience commands you to do and [going] on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge” (MSFM, p. XV).

I’ve reflected on the concept of finding purpose through loving someone because as a Latter-day Saint experiencing homosexual attractions, I feel I am being asked to give up, to some degree, this very important aspect of humanness. Obviously I can love my parents, my siblings, other family members, my friends, and find purpose in doing so, but on another level I am asked to sacrifice potentially meaningful relationships that are romantic in nature. No wonder that people who allow themselves to engage in such relationships, and give it their all, report feeling a renewed sense of meaning and purpose for their lives.

Sacrifice

So, as I understand it, by following the religious strictures, I’m asked to sacrifice one potential means for finding meaning and purpose in my life. If such is true and real, one follow up question includes, “If SGA, due to religious strictures, impedes one means of finding meaning and purpose in life, do religious strictures also provide means to compensate?”

One way I’ve answered such a question previously is by looking into the direct meaning SGA offers me. I wrote an article about that after reading Man’s Search for Meaning.

Faith

I believe that understanding is right and true, however, I’m finding such understanding misses one important aspect of faith, which I hope will breath life into the existential vacuum of which I speak (non-existence of potentially meaningful relationships, which are potential means for finding purpose and meaning, sacrificed for the gospel’s sake).

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland once discussed faith from the perspective of Lot’s wife (from the Bible). Lot and his wife lived in Sodom and Gomorrah, and it was revealed to them the city would be destroyed because of its wickedness and sinful state. Therefore, they were asked to flee the city. At one point while fleeing, Lot’s wife turned and looked back at the city. About this situation, he taught:

“What did Lot’s wife do that was so wrong? Apparently what was wrong with Lot’s wife was that she wasn’t just looking back; in her heart she wanted to go back. It would appear that even before they were past the city limits, she was already missing what Sodom and Gomorrah had offered her... It is possible that Lot’s wife looked back with resentment toward the Lord for what He was asking her to leave behind. In short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future... She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had — that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind.”

Finding Meaning Through the Beloved

This may come as a shocker to some, but I am one of those who once allowed myself to engage in a romantic relationship with a man. Before making assumptions about the relationship, let me offer some background information, and in offering background information don’t assume I’m trying to justify what happened or argue that it was right and good. I’m not arguing my decision was rational or that others should do the same; I’m simply reciting facts from my past, a past from which I am now trying to learn.

At one point I became very depressed as I obsessed about what it would be like to have a boyfriend. In one sense you could say that my existential vacuum increased in size (if that is even possible according to the laws of physics) as I thought about having a boyfriend. I felt my life was empty and lonely, and I decided I would never know what it was like to have a boyfriend unless I gave it a shot, so I did.

As I contemplated the idea of having a boyfriend, I decided to learn from past promiscuity and do my best to engage in a meaningful, non-sexual relationship. For it to be truly meaningful, I decided I would need to involve God in the process. I prayed for strength to resist sexual inclinations, to learn the importance of the law of chastity, and to just give the relationship my all. Something happened that hadn’t happened in a long time. I was excited to get out of bed. I was excited to go to work. I was even excited to go to church and even did a better job of reading scriptures during that time. (Even now after time has passed and the relationship since ended, I’m buoyed up by the experience). Suddenly, there was a new reason for living: discovering the uniqueness of my boyfriend and helping him actualize latent potentialities while he did the same for me.

Now, with greater desires to follow the gospel path, I’m feeling a little like Lot’s wife must have felt. I’m realizing more and more what I’m asked to give up. It’s not just about sacrificing potentially meaningful relationships. It also means giving up opportunities to fill the existential vacuum, or opportunities to find additional meaning and purpose in life. And quite honestly, like Elder Holland said of Lot’s wife, I sometimes feel a slight inclination toward resentment toward God for what I’m being asked to leave behind. Sometimes I wonder if I can really do it, if I really have what it takes to work through these doubts and concerns.

Compensation Through Faith

Going back to what Elder Holland taught about the situation and condition of Lot’s wife, he taught:

“Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had.”

So I guess the best way to view my current situation is to say to myself, “Ryan, you don’t have faith – faith in God’s ability to give you something better than you created for yourself.” After all, faith is an “assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Heb. 11:1), and up to this point I only assure myself with evidence of the things I can see.

And really, that’s how I feel, so why stick with it? Why pursue a gospel path if I’m required, in some sense, to give up one of the more beautiful aspects of the human experience? I guess it goes back to faith and hope – hope that what Elder Holland taught about Lot’s wife and her circumstance, that God did have something better prepared for her than what Sodom and Gomorrah offered. In other words, things I can’t see and things for which I have no evidence reassure me that it will be worth it in the long run.

As tradition has it, I’ll turn C.S. Lewis to shed additional light on the situation. About a man who “decides that the weight of evidence if for [Christianity]”, he discusses an important aspect of faith:

“There will come a moment when there is bad news, or he is in trouble, or is living among a lot of other people who do not believe it, and all at once his emotions will rise up and carry out a sort of blitz on his belief. Or else there will come a moment when he wants a woman, or wants to tell a llie, or feels very please with himself, or sees a chance of making a little money in someway that is not perfectly fair: some moment, in fact, at which is would be very convenient if Christianity were not true. And once again his wishes and desires will carry out a blitz. I am not talking of moments at which any new reasons against Christianity turn up. Thos have to be faced and that is a different matter. I am talking about moments when a mere mood rises up against it. Now Faith, in the sense in which I am here using the word, is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods.”

Maybe this is what Paul meant when he wrote to the Hebrews:

“But call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions… Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise” (Heb. 10:32, 35-36).

The Promise

What is the promise? I’m not entirely sure, actually. I’ve wondered about this for a long time now, but I speculate it’s something a lot of people desire yet never enjoy in this mortal life – something thing or event or answer we hope for and are even assured it will come, but never receive.

Think of all the people listed in Hebrews 11 who “died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them” (v. 13). I mean, we’re talking about people with incredible amounts of faith! Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Sara.
I’m certain Sara can relate to C.S. Lewis’ statement that we should, “[hold] on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods.” It’s probably a crazy feeling to wish and wait your whole life for a child, then be visited by an angel when you’re 90+ years old with the promise that a child will come. Yeah right. That’s ludicrous!

But I don’t understand. Didn’t she receive the promise? Didn’t she have a child like the angel promised? How could she then “die in faith, not having received the promises”? I suspect that the promises are quite possibly something deeper and more personal than mere resolution of situations and circumstances. I suspect it might be the principles of “recompense” or compensation – “to make amends for loss or harm suffered”. In other words, the promise could be the fact that “in the end it will all be worth it” – the actualization of something better, which we obtain through the things we suffer, perhaps an endowment of sorts:

“And these all, having obtained a good report through faith, received not the promise: God having provided some better things for them through their suffering, for without sufferings they could not be made perfect” (vv. 39-40).

Breathing Life into the Existential Vacuum

Can this endowment, this gift, the fulfillment of “the promise” breathe life into the existential vacuum? I’d like to think so. In fact, I hope so. That’s why I keep moving forward, picking myself up when I fall, and trudging along through the muddy mysteries of life.

So how exactly will these principles of hope, faith, sacrifice, and obedience breathe life into the existential vacuum? I guess I’ll write about it when I get there. For now, I can only speak with hope and optimism that it’s possible.

Loganside with Chris

Sunday night at the Loganside, Chris shared lessons of hope he experienced while working through the pain of addiction and unexpected loss and suffering. This is my first attempt at creating a "podcast," so go easy on me! The sound is better quality than I thought it would be, but still needs some work. Sound also cuts out at parts while there is some "audience participation" going on - sorry for that. Some people refused to talk into the microphone...

Anyway, if you weren't there, you missed out on the neighbor who came to the door, but saw thirty people sitting in the living room and walked away. When Chris seems to laugh for no reason, that's why.

To promote privacy, I added a password to the video. Just type in "loganside"

Enjoy!

Good Timber [and a Little Doubt]

a poem by Douglas Malloch

"The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.

"The man who never had to toil
To gain and farm his patch of soil,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.

"Good timber does not grow with ease,
The stronger wind, the stronger trees,
The further sky, the greater length,
The more the storm the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.

"Where thickest lies the forest growth
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life."

a little doubt

I've been thinking a lot about doubt lately because, well... I have doubts and questions about a lot of things. At one point in time, I understood doubt to be only something negative that erodes faith, but my views on doubt are changing to include a positive aspect. I think doubt can assist us in shooting our roots deeper into the soil, so to speak, if our minds are fixed on resolution.

Consider this quote from Brad Wilcox:

"Doubts are not wrong; they can be a step toward right. Questions are not a sign of weakness but a sign of growth. Men are not wrong when they doubt but when they fail to do something about their doubts" (Are You There?, New Era, Apr 1990, 47).